Lyme Sexy Tyme: Valentine’s Day Special

So most days your sex drive has been replaced by a raging headache, but sometimes you have your moments.  Or maybe you’re headed towards remission and feel like giving it a go with your sweetie. Either way, here at Miss Diagnoses we I have some ideas.

Remember when you used to have wine to get into the mood? Well, now you are fighting candida and possibly avoiding histamines and/or sulfites, so that’s not an option.

I promise it tastes better than it sounds. It’s sort of like a Cabernet with undertones of chicken. And if your adrenals are happy, your sex hormones will be happy too!

COMFY SECRETS (TM)

Ah, black lace. Those tiny slips of lingerie, so pretty but so uncomfortable and itchy, now that you have sensory skin issues and chemical sensitivities. These pieces are made of organic cotton  and are prewashed in fragrance-free detergent until they reach the softness of a 20-year-old T-shirt. We also have a ComfyCorset (TM) bustier made of pajama fabric. You will look totally hot and no one will guess you’re secretly comfy.

The Low-to-No-Vibe

Toys: they used to be fun, but do you really need more neurological buzzing? Your body does that all by itself! The low-to-no-vibe’s settings go from 20 to -1050, allowing it to create pleasure without aggravating  your central nervous system, which is already dialed up to a 10. The device also comes with attachments that will turn it into a regular body massager that does myofascial release or lymphatic drainage massage.

Lymedoms

Have you ever tried to find consensus over whether Lyme is sexually transmitted?  Yes, no, yes, yes, no, if yes, what is the actual rate of transmission, etc.  Wouldn’t you rather not find out in your intimate life? These Lyme awareness condoms were originally bright green, but the members of our focus group became frightened and ran away. Not sexy. Anyway, now they’re a pleasant, nonthreatening beige. Dental dams also available.

Fleecies Cuffs

So, maybe you used to be adventurous? Even a bit kinky? Or  perhaps just now you’re wanting to go a little Fifty Shades of Lyme Green. How many spoonies can contort their aching joints and muscles into all those positions? With Fleecies (TM) the idea of “experimenting with handcuffs” is there, but your wrists are encased in soft, fleece-lined cotton. Holding your arms out for a long time can lead to neck and back pain, so there is also a little neck pillow that will keep you aligned and  in an ergonomic position. The pillow also contains a heating pad that you can use every day.

Lymie ELECTRIC Candelabra

Your partner likes to do it with the lights on, but damn those migraines and floaters. Suggest some romantic candlelight instead. Our Lymie electric candleabra gradually dims until it is at an acceptable level for you. Your partner will not realize what is happening until things are already in progress, so to speak.

Your partner likes music too. We have a preprogrammed iPod that will start off playing music and gradually transition into white noise. White noise is not sexy, but it will block out your tinnitus.

Oh no! Brain fog! Where did you put the box with the Fleecies Cuffs, the candelabra, and the Low-to-No Vibe?  Did you wash the underwear? Weren’t the Lymedoms in the drawer next to the bed?

Sigh. Maybe next time.

Happy Valentine’s Day!